Fighting “it”

Hello everyone!

Diana here. First, I wanted to thank you all for your prayers during my “migraine season”. It was a bit crazy to have a migraine for so long (3.5 weeks!) but it ended up being a really great time to spend alone with God. For the first 2 weeks, I was trying to soldier on and keep a bold face and not get discouraged. The migraine led me to the doctor where I was able to find out important information regarding my health that would be REALLY helpful to know before getting married and leaving for Singapore. I was relieved and thankful for my migraine at that point and I ended up emailing some people for prayer and praising God about it.

In that email I wrote, “On the upside, I haven’t been depressed/discouraged by the past two weeks the way I normally would be.  I’ve been able to pray through my migraines and not wallow in the pain.”

Then the next day, I wallowed. As my head continued to hurt, I broke down in tears. WHY WAS MY HEAD STILL HURTING? I had thought I finally understood the reason for my migraine…so shouldn’t the pain be gone??

I was so upset, so confused, so scared. Hours earlier I was saying that God was good and sovereign…but could I still believe it?

That next week ended up being some of the most intimate times I spent with God. No longer trying to make sense of everything or promote my “get rid of my migraine” campaign, I just tried to be with God. Once I gave Him my full attention, God had me revisit old wounds and lies from my past.

I’ve never shared this so publicly before, but growing up, I was called “it”. I was given that “name” because I was told I was nothing, not worthy of a name or an identity. It haunted me to the core and I swore I would never tell anyone that shame and embarrassment.  The first time I ever confessed this to anyone was to my missions team in 2011 (5 years after graduating college) and the following years have been times of healing from that identity (or lack thereof). I thought I had made significant strides from those younger days, but God was showing me how much more “it” was still deeply rooted in me.

Then one night in the third migraine week, I felt like God made me confront and fight “it”. I had to fight against this lie. I didn’t, however, fight “it” with the truth that my name was Diana. Instead, I fought with the truth that my identity was as a daughter of God – my identity that is rooted in royalty because of the blood poured on me by Christ – my savior, my co heir, my God.

It was funny, all this time I’ve been trying to fight this “it” identity with being the best “Diana” I could be. But God showed me how much I’ve been trying to overcompensate with lots of “Diana”. In efforts to deny “it”, it was as though I confirmed “it” even more by building this “Diana” kingdom to prove “it” wrong.

 Matthew 16:25 says, “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

 How ironic that the best way to know my REAL name, my REAL worth, my REAL identity was to find it in God and NOT myself.

I’ve never written this out before, but I wanted to share it. My migraine left soon after and I was thankful for my time with God. I had a good solid week of no migraine, but Saturday my migraine returned.

I have no idea how long this migraine will be with me, but what I do know is that God doesn’t let anything, not even a migraine, thwart His plan. If there’s a way that even this can bring Him glory, I’m really hoping I can learn to live in a way where that can happen. I’m not the most graceful at struggling through it, but please pray that I can keep learning and pointing everything back to God.

I’m thankful for our community of friends/family/church who are supporting us in this journey to Singapore. And as you pray for us and our tangible needs, please pray for our deeper needs of continual freedom and healing from our past too.

I’m really hoping/praying to see this kind of freedom in our churches in the States and in Asia too.

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3 thoughts on “Fighting “it”

  1. hi diana, thanks for being so frank with your sharing. just wanted to encourage you that it has touched me deeply and its such a God sent encouragement – to know that He hears, He sees, and He wants to set us free. i think many people struggle with this in one form or another, and i confess i do too…trying to be the ‘best’ to compensate for something (its been such a struggle-full journey.. recognising it, trying to overcome it). and yet feeling ashamed and afraid to let anyone know that i struggle with this – because its such a weakness to me. i know God will surely set us free and heal us! so press on dear sister. “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” Philippians 1:6.

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  2. It’s not easy when God doesn’t do the things you’ve prayed so much for, and at times, you question God, blame yourself, blame others, etc. I’ve learned that sometimes life is not straightforward and we might not be able to find answers for everything, but in spite of all this, we can still trust in Him and hope in Him. I’m excited to be a part of this journey with you!

    By the way, there is a horror movie named “it” and I think I watched it when I was a kid and it made me hate clowns…. lol… okay… that was random

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